First you say it...

copyright 2005 Dale Hansen - no reproduction without permission


I spent my first few years out of school working for various auto parts warehouses. This was after two years of college, though to say I went to college implies that I actually attended a class now and then. No. Thus, I got jobs delivering auto parts around the greater Phoenix area.

I started with ___ , driving a Ford F150. It would do 90mph in a pinch.

Don’t ask.

I was assigned to shops north and west of the city; another driver was assigned to the south and east. We’d go out in the mornings, come back for lunch and then take the PM deliveries. After these were done, I’d come back, get the packages for out of town deliveries and take then to the Greyhound and Trailways depots.

This occasionally made for a very tight schedule, especially if I was to get back in time to be home by 6PM.(ish) So sometimes I cut corners. Literally.

For example: I came to an intersection (in a very industrial area) where the road crossed train tracks. The lights were flashing, the bells ringing, but there were no barricades at this intersection. The rails ran around a blind corner, but even at the ripe old age of 20 I wasn’t stupid enough to jump in front of a train.

I sat there like any law-abiding citizen while the train lumbered by. It was just a single engine, no cars - probably on it’s way to a yard somewhere, so the wait was minimal. As it went past, the intersection warning lights and bells kept going, as they will for a minute or two after a train passes.

The train was gone; I drove on.

The idea of a second train never even occurred to me.

Bill Cosby once commented that there was no reason to wear clean underwear in case of an accident, because “first you say it, then you do it”. Had it occurred to me what it was I was doing at the time, I probably would have proven his point. Ok, maybe I was stupid enough to dive out in front of a train. Worse, I was apparently too stupid to realize it until several minutes later.

How close was I to this moving iron mountain? I saw the expression of the guy driving the train. I’m pretty sure he proved Mr. Cosby’s point.

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One of the greatest miracles of my life happened in this truck. I had a delivery to a new store. Since they hadn’t opened yet, they needed everything. Literally. I had boxes piled higher than the cab, all tied, taped and strapped down.

The delivery took all afternoon. By the time I was done, I had 15 minuets to get back to the warehouse, gather the bus shipments and get them there or they would miss the bus. I was in a hurry. A big hurry.

I was also on the other side of the city. At rush hour.

I drove down the freeway (at that time there was only one) going about 80mph. I was in the left lane (remember that, there’s a quiz later) trying to move over because my exit was coming up. The guy next to me in the center lane was driving right on my fender and I couldn’t get past him. I was 20 years old; slowing down and getting behind him never even entered my head.

I kept trying to get in front of this @#!@ guy, but couldn’t quite get there. I kept looking over my right shoulder, judge the distance, whipping my head back around to look in front of me, and spinning back to look over my shoulder. I was up to 85, 90mph and as I whipped around to the front again, I discovered that traffic had stopped. The car in front of me was no more than six feet away at a dead stop. I was doing over 90.

Now, I have written many things here that are mostly true, or all true will a little hyperbole thrown in for flavor. I swear that the following happened just as I relay it here:

I sat straight in the seat and grabbed the wheel with both hands in a 9 o’clock and 3 o’clock position. I straightened my arms, locked my elbows and stood on the brake with all my considerable bulk, closed my eyes and said, “Please God, don’t let me kill anyone else”, and waited for the inevitable crash.

I knew, in that instant, I knew that my life had ended and the very best I could hope for was that my stupidity wouldn’t claim anyone else’s life.

The grinding off metal, the shattering of glass – never came. I still had my eyes clenched tightly shut, praying that same prayer over and over when it occurred to me that I had been waiting an awfully long time to die. I finally dared to open my eyes to find I was at a perfect stop with two feet to spare.

Now here’s the kicker – ready? I was in the middle lane. Remember the quiz earlier? I had gone from the far left lane at 90+mph and with both arms LOCKED in position, managed to change lanes and come to a complete stop with my eyes closed!

I swear this is a true story with no embellishment.

I would like to think that God saved me for a reason, but I am also forced to admit the possibility that it wasn’t ME He saved for a reason. Still, if it was me, or I happened to be close enough to someone else who has a manifest destiny, I’m just glad stupidity isn’t necessarily fatal.

As I sat there in traffic, trying to determine what had happened, I noticed the woman sitting in the car next to me. Her expression was like she’d just the red sea part when she’d been standing just a little close to the shore.

I regret never having asked her what happened, but I did do the next best thing.

I smiled real big and gave her a jaunty wave.

By the way, Bill Cosby’s right.