The Nap and the Old Gray Hair

copyright 2005 Dale Hansen - no reproduction without permission (like you care!)

More from Life in the Middle Ages

The Nap

If, like most men who are reaching - or have already accomplished - their foray into the middle ages; naps are slowly becoming one of the more dependable parts of your life, but - being a robust and active person - you don’t want to spend the entire day unconscious, you can use your body’s natural abilities to your advantage. Been awhile since you’ve heard that, huh?

Now, it’s true that you can set a jarring, annoying, household-waking alarm clock to blast your dreams in the next two hours, there’s no need. Nature has produced in you an internal alarm clock you can set for just about two hours – just enough time to get into and out of that dream – and one that won’t wake up anyone else.

Here’s the secret. Get one of those old 64oz 7-11, plastic, what-did-I-ever-keep-this-for souvenir cups and fill it full of ice-cold water. Guzzle that sucker right before lying down, and you’re guaranteed to be up in a couple of hours.

Two hours a little too long for the nap? Drink it slightly warm – that should have you up and about within the hour.

There’s even a snooze to nature’s alarm clock: beer. Stay with the Lights or Ultra-lights, they’re a fifteen-minute bonus naptime.

Caution: Don’t try the light beer warm! The most effective and time efficient way to handle warm light beer is to pour it directly down the toilet. There is absolutely no reason to get in the middle of that operation, as it takes the very same amount of time to complete the cycle whether you’re a part of it or not!)

You know your body and what it will hold and how long – use it. It’s not that your body is becoming less dependable, on the contrary, it’s becoming steadily more and more dependable; you simply have to have a new perspective on what you can depend on it for.
What to sleep the night through? Don’t drink anything for two hours before bed. Suck on an ice cube, or a clean towel soaked in water.

You’re in the prime time of life, you’ve just settled into the after 9PM slot. Some of the better shows are on then, and if you want to be awake to see them, you better think seriously about that nap.

The old gray hair.

For most of us, gray hairs show up on the face first, before migrating to the top of the head. There are many reasons for this; first of all, there’s generally more hair on the face than there is on the head. Also an argument can be made that after scraping your face clean every morning for so many years, your body is just paying you back for all the hair stress you caused.

But it’s more than that. There is a reason for a gray face.

There are plenty of products on the market that will let you color and mask the iron in your beard, allow you to remove the salt from the salt-and-pepper, but this is a trap.
Gray hair comes into the face first as a warning to you and, more importantly, to the young lady you are trying to deceive. Sure, at first, it may be a real ego boost to go out on the town, arm-in-arm with a young woman who was born in the same year Aliens was released and thinks that Barney Miller was the deputy on Mayberry; but eventually it’s going to happen.

After a night of dancing to music that comes with a warning label for the 40 and over crowd, she’s going to want to keep going, and you’ve already gone. It can’t end in any other way than heartbreak, hurt feelings and physical therapy.

The gray is there for a reason.

On the other hand, the gray in the face has another purpose. It is also a welcoming sign to women that prefer a slightly more sedentary life. I’m referring to women your own age. Gray hair says that you have finally reached the point in your life where you are happy just to sit still and snuggle on the couch.

In fact, sitting still is the one activity left where you can go all night.

If you don’t drink anything.